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Dr Victoria of gay-Parship replies:
Surely the question shouldn't be about how you tell your husband - it should be about how you support your son in telling his father himself - if this is what he wants to do.
I understand you feel partly to blame over the current situation, as it sounds like you discouraged your son from telling him in the first place. I'm sure you were attempting to have your son's best interests at heart when you advised him all those years ago. He was still at school then and perhaps you were right to want to protect him back then. When he was younger, it could have been hard for him to deal with rejection if his father had taken it badly.
But you need to remember he's 31 now. He's clearly standing on his own two feet and he's happy enough about his sexuality to make a formal and public commitment to his partner.
I'm sure your son has considered how to tell his father. You can be there to support him but it is down to your son if and when he wants to tell his father. Your husband might surprise you both and take it better than you expect, but there is some potential for your husband to get angry about being kept in the dark for so long – especially since you've known all along.
You know your husband and you'll be the best judge of what to tell him about how long you've known. You might be able to get away with saying something like “I'm not sure but I think I've always known” if you're asked directly.
If your son had decided that he does want his father to know, it's worth thinking about how to tell his father. The best thing would be for him to try and put himself in his father's shoes and to think about how he would want to be told this sort of news. If he can, it would be best for your son to give this sort of news in person and it might be worth doing it on neutral territory when you're all relaxed – for example when you're out for dinner together. Rather than trying to introduce his partner at the same time as telling his father he's gay, the introductions could be saved for another time in the future.
If possible, he should leave plenty of time before the civil partnership ceremony, so your husband has time to come to terms with things. Your son shouldn't expect to win his father over and convince him that everything is fine and wonderful all in one go. He might take it all in his stride, or he might appear to be hurt or angry at first. There's no need for your son to debate the whole subject or make it into a moral argument to be won or lost.
In fact, it might be better if your son explains it in a matter of fact way – as if it's no big deal rather than acting as if he's breaking bad news. No matter how your husband reacts at first, the chances are that in time, especially with your support, his views will mellow.
If you want to ask Dr Lukats' advice on gay dating or gay relationships send an email to editor@pridelife.co.uk Please bear in mind she cannot enter into private correspondence and cannot answer all questions. Any advice given will be published on the website (personal details will not be published).
Dr Victoria works with gay-PARSHIP the company that powers our gay dating service. Take our free scientific compatibility test to find someone who is really right for you with gay-PARSHIP online gay dating, click here to visit the Parship site